Bar And Beer Jokes

Here are some hand picked beer jokes.

Beer Joke - Batman

One night, after a long evening of drinking beer, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living crap out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

Beer Joke - Drinking And The English Language

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Beer Joke - Superman

There is a bar at the top of the empire state building and there are two guys and the bartender there. The first guy suddenly says, " did you know that if you jumped off this tower that when you reached the tenth floor the winds would direct you back into a window of the building?"

The other man says "yeah right" So the first man gets up and jumps off the building, when he reaches the tenth floor sure enough he flies through the window.

The man rides an elevator back up to the top of the building and says "told you" then the other man is like " thats probably just a one time fluke!" The first man jumps off the building again and reaches the tenth floor and the winds fly him into the same window, he comes back up to the top and says "see told you"

At this point the second man says "ok i guess it works" he then jumps off the building. When he reaches the tenth floor he keeps falling and hits the ground with a splat.

The bartender then walks up to the first man and says, " you know superman you’re a jerk when your drunk!"

Beer Joke - Bic Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy orders a beer and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"

The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Beer Joke - Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

Beer Joke - 12 Stages Of Drinking

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on tatoo.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Barmen complimented on his boxers, partially visible when bending to get bag of chips. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of chips one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out baseball/hockey/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing ass.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy them a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in bar cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local golf course. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Beer Joke - Beer Trouble Shooting

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.

SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer

Got a good beer joke? Why not let me know what it is by submitting it here. All beer joke submissions are welcome.

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